Ataulfo Mangos

girlprince:

i wonder when tumblr is gonna start talking about detransitioning.

i was thinking about a friend i had on my old tumblr blog who started transitioning

and then suddenly realized she was cis.

she lost all her queer friends (except technically me, but we don’t talk anymore because we drifted apart), and i notice that’s a thing that happens? (SPOILER: in “Wandering Son”, Takatsuki actually realizes she’s cisgender, and I know a lot of people were upset about it, asking where FTM representation was on a very influential trans* manga, but that’s sort of a tangent — basically a lot of people were very upset)

it’s an interesting thing to think and talk about.

Tumblr’s been talking about detransition for awhile! I’m detransitioned, and there are other detransitioned people on here too. I compiled a small list of detransitioned bloggers here a week or so ago. :) 

The loss of community is extremely common. So common that I’d say it’s the rule rather than the exception. Almost every detransitioned person I’ve spoken with has had to leave the queer and trans* communities behind. Their lives were misrepresented by the people they trusted, and more often than not, their exit from the communities was forcible. I still have people who talk shit about me, yeaaars after the fact. It’s unfortunate, but many of us found a community in each other. 

Anyway, we’re talkin’ and most of us are happy to answer questions. Have a great one!


Do you know of any other people who blog about their experiences with detransitioning? I've seen your other blogs, and while I enjoy reading them, I'm hoping to find other blogs as well. Thank you and I hope you have a lovely low-pain day! from Anonymous

hardscum:

Hi anon!

Tumblr blogs (some regularly updated, some not):

crashchaoscats

redressalert

katblaster

twentythreetimes

Off-Tumblr blogs and resources:

REtransition (this is by a person detransitioned from MTF, and a really nice read all around!)

Transitioning Back to Being a Man

The Transgender File

Detransition (this only has a few entries and was last updated two years ago, but I am partial because it was one of the first blogs I found during my own detransition!)

GenderCritical Now! (A compilation of gender-critical blogs, not necessarily by detransitioned writers, though!)

There are a boatload of other really great bloggers out there. So many of us hide under the radar or do what we can to evade attention because our mere survival is considered controversial. With this in mind, I left a lot of people out that I have seen discuss detransition on their blogs but might prefer to keep a low profile. Those I’ve added have either given me personal clearance or have detransition-specific blogs and therefore fit the bill. There are at least a dozen of us on Tumblr though, and the numbers grow every day. 

If anybody would like to be added to this list, you can shoot me a message on any of my blogs (as I’ll be cross-posting this list — apologies in advance to those who follow more than one or all three) and I will happily do so! 

I hope this list is a good starting point for you, anon! Be well and have an absolutely splendid night. :)

- auntie hardscum


How did you end up transitioning? It's just that you talk about your pink bra and curlers in your hair and??? You seem to be able to *do* "woman". I've never considered transition but I'm uncomfortable with anything beyond a sports bra and super short hair and I remember my friends magically ~growing up~ and learning femininity seemingly automatically but I never did. None of that translated to "I guessI'm really a man" for me. How did you learn to ~do femininity~ comfortably after detransition? from Anonymous

hardscum:

Hey anon —

I took 13 years with this, sorry. My inbox is a disaster-zone and I get a little overwhelmed when I see a ton of messages I haven’t been able to get to. Here I am, though! Answering your question!

This might get long, so I apologize in advance for the inevitable hardscumblrrhea. I think the mention of the “pink bra” was from a reblog of a viral post, but the curlers? Helps me keep on top of my coarse, curly hair without more than 10 minutes effort, as my hair’s natural texture straddles that arbitrary (and patently racist, considering the populations this oft-unwritten rule primarily affects) line of “professionalism” in so many workplaces. Practicality aside, let’s hit the real questions.

You’re correct in guessing I learned a lot of the femininity rituals post-detransition. Sadly, it has not been nor ever will be “comfortable” to engage in feminizing rituals, because femininity is meant to be restrictive, time-consuming and punitive. This is where much of my gender-abolitionism was born from, actually. 

During transition, and especially after stopping T, I was androgynous at best. More often than not, I was treated like a butch lesbian. Occasionally as a gay man. Sometimes I’d be read as an MTF in early transition. Basically, no matter which way somebody read me, I was spared very little in terms of grief or headaches. There was no conditional male privilege conferred based on perception, which is one of many reasons why I rally against the idea of so-called “FAAB privilege” in trans***** politics.

In fact, despite T alleviating some of my sex dysphoria, I had become so ambiguous that it made my day-to-day life harder than it already had been. My dose was appropriate, my serum tests came back as expected, but T took its sweet time to do anything. I suffered extreme economic violence, was verbally threatened by strangers on a near-daily basis, followed, etc. The decision to detransition wasn’t solely fueled by these difficulties (which is why I never discount the effects of transphobia,) but it sure helped seal the decision. If you’re curious about some of the other reasons, well: concerns about my health, my budding gender-abolitionism, understanding that I’d never be male and that I’d always be traveling under the demarcation of “female” and treated thusly in many institutions, and probably some other shit I cannot remember because it’s six in the morning. The mild alleviation of sex dysphoria I had on T (because without the external validation, it can mean very little in terms of your day-to-day quality of life) did not make it worth continuing in the face of so many risk-factors.

Unfortunately, I had to live in the world as I was detransitioning. To help people “make sense” of me, I learned makeup. I perfected my hair-cutting, shaping, and styling techniques. I utilized the very knowledge that helped me hide my curves to dress in a way in which my body alone would mark me as unremarkably female. I found ways to hide my facial hair.

I dropped much of the ritualized femininity once nature took its course and my face rounded out, my curves fluffed up, etc. These days, I’m often still looked at as gender non-conforming, and most things compelling my ~doing femininity~ are directly related to my survival. For example: I wear purses because upon a suggestion from a colleague that I ditch my messenger bag to avoid making potential freelance clients squirrelly by fooling them into thinking I’m normative, have money, etc. Lo and behold, I was and still am taken more seriously when I carry a leather tote over a neat, but socially-deemed “masculine” messenger bag. It’s that weird thing where society deems those who conform to gendered norms as more mature. Especially for women, as femininity is a way of denoting you’re “in your place” due to its often punitive means of execution and the attempt at impossible standards means you’re “open for scrutiny” or something. It is fucking weird.

Anyway, as to how I started transitioning? Sex dysphoria. I can identify some of it as socially-fueled, as during childhood, I often imagined (and saw!) femininity rituals resulting in something akin to the Spritz-Heads in Hothead Paisan. Uncomfortable, restricted, heterocentric and otherwise restrained. There’s still sex dysphoria I cannot place nor name the etiology of — some could be related to trauma (as a rape survivor,) but I remember being uncomfortable with many of the aspects that demarcate me as female from a young age. I suspect a lot of the betrayal I felt by my body during puberty was a.) the escalation of lifelong, punitive restrictions on my life all because i was born female, b.) the beginning of a lifelong fight with an extremely painful gynecologic disease, c.) internalized lesbophobia born from a society in which lesbians are still reviled and treated like shit, even by others in the “alphabet soup” of LGBT. 

Let’s put it this way: I bucked a lot of gendered norms growing up and despite being close in proximity to LGBT-specific resources, queer theory started making its rise during this very same time period. My un-femininity was considered transgressing “my gender,” both by the straight classmates who relentlessly harassed me, to the queer “communities” I sought advice from. From my young and vulnerable position at the time, it felt as if I had no other options to survive in this world. Spritzhead or T. 

This was long and probably a little winding, but I hope I clarified some things for you. Should you have any follow-up questions, feel free to drop by again. :)

Have a great day!

- auntie hardscum

Reblogged from my personal blog. I’ve been asked many times how I began transitioning, what led me to detransition, etc., so this may clarify some things for people.


I took T for 5 months (then stopped for a month, then started for another month, then stopped for good) before I came to my senses and realized what a crazy idea it was for me. I haven't received medical care or talked to a doctor about it since stopping cold turkey over a year ago. I feel worried about what's going on with my body but at the same time... I just don't want to talk about it with a doctor. Any advice? from Anonymous

Hey anon!

Sorry I took forever to reply to this, but I wanted to ask the other detransitioned women I knew about what they did before I gave my answer.

All of us have had weird experiences with so-called LGBT clinics, because mentioning our history of detransition would immediately override the concern at hand. I had a really sudden and alarming gastrointestinal concern (let’s just say blood was coming from a place it should not be) about six months after ceasing T that was actually indicative of the severity of my then-undiagnosed endometriosis and adhesions… but was brushed off and asked when I wanted to start testosterone again. I wish I were kidding or exaggerating. 

So what I did was lie by omission. I hate doing it, but I had to because healthcare professionals barely know how to handle transsexual patients, much less detransitioned patients. Testosterone never happened as far as my doctors are concerned. I hope that the landscape of healthcare changes soon, because everybody needs better care.

When I had steeled myself for another brush with healthcare professionals, I went to a regular ol’ family practitioner explained that I’d been without healthcare for awhile and wanted a general wellness panel done. If you’re concerned about your hormone levels, you can intimate at a family history of PCOS and ask for a hormone panel done. This is what basically everybody I know in our position has done, actually. 

I hope this helps, but you are welcome to hit my inbox anytime should this advice proves insufficient! I wish you all the best, regardless. 


GENDER CLINICS WORLDWIDE ARE BEING SUED

atlasstrawberries:

twentythreetimes:

…oh wait, it was just like…those two…that were practicing unethically.

The next time you start in on a rant about “transtrenders” suing gender clinics, take a step back and consider what sort of a doctor you think trans people deserve.

Every time you perpetuate this inane myth, you’re really saying:

> You’d rather trans people see a doctor that can’t tell or doesn’t care about the difference in a “transtrender” and a transsexual, who continues handing out prescriptions like candy at the expense of others’ health

> You don’t think trans people deserve good doctors who don’t engage in bad, unskilled, and/or negligent treatment that injures the patient, i.e., one not getting sued for malpractice

> And you think that a patient lying to a doctor who was following correct standards of care under the impression that the “transtrender” was really trans is a case that would hold up in court?

That’s not how a malpractice lawsuit works.

image

image

You’re also saying that you can’t back up your ridiculous claims with jack shit.

Stop perpetuating the myth.

Cross-axes analogies are always insufficient, but seeing as doctors are unscrupulously taking advantage in the substandard care transsexual people get regularly, we really should be wary of the future Kermit Gosnells to transsexual patients, or patients erroneously identified as transsexual. This is literally predatory behavior on behalf of unethical clinicians, because they are taking advantage of an existing systemic inequality with regards to access to care and using it to their own gains.

"Informed consent" clinics are touted as the #1 choice for trans people, all while neglecting that these clinics are almost always staffed by general practitioners with no true familiarity and comfort with maintaining what are essentially cases for endocrinologists, psychoanalysts/psychiatrists with no incentive to note concurrent mental health conditions, and support-staff that are taught farcical "supportiveness" over identifying risk factors in patients who should have never received HRT in the first place. 

The “informed consent” clinic I went to was staffed by a person who later on went to make openly lesbophobic comments on their very public Facebook profile, to much acclaim from their patients (yes, that’s right, friending your patients.) Sensitivity indeed. 

Feed me more horseshit about detransitioners ruining the party for everybody. We’re actually advocating for more strident standards of care because we’ve seen how poor medical care affects people who continue to transition, too. We were once those people, and I’ll tell you right now: if a potentially fatal medical contraindications didn’t stop a doctor from handing me a script without so much as a referral for monitoring the contraindicating process, it is only a matter of time before people start dropping dead from the reckless “standards” of these practices.


Females who walk away from transition are now “failed males”? That is *rich* with stupidity.

Yep, clearly the only reason any female would walk away from testosterone is that we just aren’t ~macho~ enough.


notwhatweappear:

H is one day late from their normal hormone schedule.  This is going to be a long 6mos or so until her body is regulated. 

If it’s any solace, the worst of the somatic shock I endured seemed to occur within the first four or five months. Months six through eight are when sexed characteristics began “settling.” Others with experience stopping testosterone should feel free to chime in, especially if your experience differs greatly from my own.
- X


A quick note to my lovely readers.

Ataulfo Mangos and Atlas Strawberries are again being maintained solely by myself. As I’m still getting my life together after the hurricane, updates may continue to be slow-going. I’m still working off the mobile app, but beginning today, aim to start chipping away at the considerably heavy material folks have been sending me since late October. Please continue to bear with me. I appreciate your messages, your replies, your readership in general, and *you*, fine reader.

If you’ve stumbled across this blog because you’re having a tough time, know that you are valued and loved. I often wish Tumblr weren’t such a hostile place, so I could post photos and other reminders that there are others who have lived through detransition. Alas, this is not so, and so all I have are my words.

As a person long off testosterone, I’m alive. I have community. I’m struggling but I’m surviving. The reminders of my history with transition now boil down to a few physiological cues, a developed and informed opinion of transition and trans* politics, and a bunch of interesting stories. Life moved on for me, and it will for you too, dear reader.

Please keep sending your stories, thoughts, frustrations and dreams. I’m listening and others are too.
In sisterhood and solidarity,
X