Detransitioned? Want to blow off steam?
Atlas Strawberries is a blog where detransitioned people may anonymously submit their stories. If you have detransitioned, feel free to submit your thoughts, quandaries and other nuggets of cerebral activity about a highly personal, sometimes painful process.
(I hate blog plugs too, but that place has been all tumbleweed and crickets lately!)
Females who walk away from transition are now “failed males”? That is *rich* with stupidity.
Yep, clearly the only reason any female would walk away from testosterone is that we just aren’t ~macho~ enough.
H is one day late from their normal hormone schedule. This is going to be a long 6mos or so until her body is regulated.
If it’s any solace, the worst of the somatic shock I endured seemed to occur within the first four or five months. Months six through eight are when sexed characteristics began “settling.” Others with experience stopping testosterone should feel free to chime in, especially if your experience differs greatly from my own.
A quick note to my lovely readers.
Ataulfo Mangos and Atlas Strawberries are again being maintained solely by myself. As I’m still getting my life together after the hurricane, updates may continue to be slow-going. I’m still working off the mobile app, but beginning today, aim to start chipping away at the considerably heavy material folks have been sending me since late October. Please continue to bear with me. I appreciate your messages, your replies, your readership in general, and *you*, fine reader.
If you’ve stumbled across this blog because you’re having a tough time, know that you are valued and loved. I often wish Tumblr weren’t such a hostile place, so I could post photos and other reminders that there are others who have lived through detransition. Alas, this is not so, and so all I have are my words.
As a person long off testosterone, I’m alive. I have community. I’m struggling but I’m surviving. The reminders of my history with transition now boil down to a few physiological cues, a developed and informed opinion of transition and trans* politics, and a bunch of interesting stories. Life moved on for me, and it will for you too, dear reader.
Please keep sending your stories, thoughts, frustrations and dreams. I’m listening and others are too.
In sisterhood and solidarity,
I fixed Atlas Strawberries.
I got an anon awhile back mentioning a suspicious lack of “follow” button. I’ve switched the layout to rectify this situation. Atlas Strawberries is now easily and readily follow-able! Go on ahead, you know you want to.
From another anon: Regarding the request for help being free of dysphoria
“A previous poster asked for tips and help for recovering. I did/do suffer from the anorexic part of dysphoria once, and from what I can tell, they are all very similar to each other. So here’s my input on the matter.
1. Don’t repeat my mistake of thinking “I can do this on my own”. I didn’t seek professional help, partly because I didn’t think I needed to, but also that I thought they wouldn’t believe me or take me seriously. Finding someone you trust in the matter, a professional or just a close friend, talking about the matter can really help.
2. Avoid anything and everything you find triggering to your dysphoria. Now I don’t know what or if gender/sex dysphoria is triggered by. In my case it has been pro-ana websites and thinspiration, but also my parents, whom I do love, but they are obsessed with weight and weightloss. They don’t know how much they trigger me, as they don’t even know I’ve had ED, so I can’t blame them really. Just a few weeks ago I stumbled upon a pro-ana tumblr, which pretty much resulted in a week of no food and loads of self-hate. Identify the things that possibly triggers you, and avoid them. Even if the triggers happen to be people.
3. Distract your brain! Don’t let it loop around the dysphoria. Take up a new hobby! I found that I love making jewelry. I can sit for hours completely focused on piecing together jump rings and beads. Having regrets about a necklace design surely beats having dysphoria related regrets. Try to force your brain into getting used to not obsess over your body, instead something more creative and things you like and look forward to. Now, it won’t be easy, but definitely worth something.
4. Mind your health, not your body. Be as physically active as you are able and comfortable with. Eat good food. Might sound irrelevant, but it’ll affect your brain with all sorts of positive hormones of happiness. :)
As for the antidepressants; I’m not a medical professional. I do however know bio- and organic chemistry well enough to tell that it all depends on how well your body responds to them. Many people note very positive effects, but some receive none at all or even makes it worse. The only way of knowing is to try them.
Do note that they have serious possible side effects. take note of which those are and look for warning signs from your body. If you notice that something is not well, contact your doctor!
These tips I’ve found helped me. But as I said, I don’t have the same type of dysphoria, nor the same life or circumstances. So take it with some salt. :)
Also I don’t think one can be completely free from any kind of dysphoria. But you can definitely keep it from taking over your life!”
Thanks, anon! I hope this will be helpful to the anon from earlier. I hope you do not mind that I have tagged this so others may be able to find your useful information as well.
Several years after detransitioning, I still have yet to get used to women trying to initiate conversation with me in the bathroom. Sister, I am doing my business. Perhaps we can catch up when I am done dropping a deuce.
I’ll still take a friendly, albeit ill-timed “hey, how are you” to a “what do you think you’re doing in here, you fucking (insert homophobic slur here),”
If someone has to de-transition then that’s what they have to do, but then a lot of them act like all transsexuals are confused and that they should de-transition too. Drop the crap and stop saying stuff like “Come back and join your sisters.”
Just because some of you fucked up doesn’t mean that we all fucked up.
Tell me, who does this? I only see people giving each other support where there is absolutely none otherwise. I don’t see a single detransitioned person telling others to stop transitioning. Prove this, otherwise I will assume that you’re just trying to be antagonistic.
On transition, detransition, and whether I have any regrets or fears.
I get asked a lot whether I ever regret starting T, or whether I ever had any fears or thoughts that perhaps hormones weren’t the way for me to go.
I think everyone who decides to go this path has doubts. Once I got my appointment for a testosterone consult, I would lie awake nights, trying to figure out if I was really, REALLY trans, or if I was just so full of self-hate that I was simply fooling myself into thinking I’m a guy. I’d been wanting it so hard for almost a decade, and now that it was something that was happening, all of my anxieties and fears came bubbling up to the surface. Was I doing it because I wanted it, or because it seemed like the logical next thing to do, with no regard for what I was really thinking or feeling? Would I regret it forever and spend the rest of my life being wretched?
Now that it’s been more than a month on hormones, I think my fears have been allayed. I think if I didn’t actually want testosterone, I wouldn’t be so relieved and full of joy at everything that’s happening to my body so far. I love my voice, I love my muscles, I love my facial hair, I love everything that’s been changing on me. It feels right; it feels good. Yes, there have been annoyances so far, but overall I’ve been much more at ease and less afraid of moving forward with my life.
So when it comes to detransition? I don’t think it’ll be an issue for me, unless I am put into a situation where it’s absolutely necessary for my survival. I do see people detransitioning, and I wish them all the luck and happiness in the world. Perhaps transition for them was the right decision when they started, but their situation has changed, and they’ve found comfort in their birth sex and want to return to it. Perhaps they didn’t want to lose their family, if their family is unaccepting. Perhaps they weren’t trans at all. Perhaps they’ve found a religion that, while it feels right to them, does not welcome transgender people as their preferred gender. Perhaps it’s just not safe for them to be presenting as their preferred gender. Or maybe they’ve been imprisoned and are being denied hormones- it’s certainly not unheard of, especially for trans women.
I refuse to judge these people. I do not know their situation, and I do not know their life stories. They could have myriad reasons for detransitioning. I just hope that the people around them continue to love and accept and support them.
I just don’t like seeing venom against people who are trying to figure out where they fit.
Whatever your path may be, I’m glad to see somebody be willing to acknowledge self-doubt in an even-handed and reasonable way. Moreover, it’s good to see somebody that is able to accept that people detransition and respond without venom or anger.